OK, so not literally my mother. She is a very open and very educated lady in terms of sex-ed (Hi Mom!). We’re talking about a theoretical mother. The “average” mother/father/parent who does not discuss sex with their child frankly or who doesn’t educate their children adequately about their bodies. These are the lies we learn when our sex ed is left to underfunded public schools and the internet (where we know that no one ever lies…). So let’s get started with “Sex Ed Saturdays” by educating ourselves with some basic truths.
- Condoms are the only thing that should be used as condoms. Things that are definitely not condoms include: candy wrappers, saran wrap, sandwich baggies, a hefty trash bag, and freeze pop wrappers.
- Do not store condoms in your wallet. This is a myth Hollywood movies in particular have spread. If you keep a condom in your wallet it is exposed to two things in particular: heat and friction. This is a really awesome way to cause a condom to break.
- Double bagging it. Don’t put on two condoms at once. It is almost guaranteed to break because, as we just discussed, friction is literally the worst thing for condoms.
- Condoms are everybody’s responsibility folks. If you are having sex you need to be able to get yourself a condom.
Your Sexual Debut
- If you have a vagina, you do not have to bleed the first time. That is a super old-school, ridiculous lie from back when people thought hymens were a solid barrier.
- Popping a cherry. This is related to the previous lie. A hymen is a ring of tissue not a solid barrier that, if you have one at all, is often broken early in puberty doing something like riding a bike or putting in a tampon if it’s broken at all. Because the hymen isn’t a solid barrier it cannot be popped. It might tear a bit but really it doesn’t “pop”. Not bleeding doesn’t mean you aren’t a virgin.
- Sex is not “supposed to” hurt the first time. It’s not. The penetrator isn’t particularly “virile” or anything like that if it hurts. The vagina loosens and lubricates itself as you become aroused and relax. Foreplay is especially important the first time. Don’t do your pentrate-ee a disservice by making their sexual debut painful because you are impatient.
- God’s Loophole. OK, folks, say it with me: Anal SEX is still sex. Just because you can’t get pregnant doesn’t mean that you didn’t have sex. You can still get an STI, it is still sex. (Same Goes for oral. You can get an STI from that too!)
- You need lube. The anus does. not. self. lubricate. I do not care what fan fiction said, you need lube. If you go in dry you can cause anal tearing which can lead to sepsis. You do not want ‘died of butt sex’ on your headstone, folks. There is ALWAYS time for lube.
- Anal penetration does not “make” someone gay. A sexual and or romantic attraction to people whose gender identity matches yours makes you gay. Many people who have penises also have prostates and enjoy having them stimulated, regardless of the sexual/romantic orientation.
- Lowering sperm count. Mountain dew and weed do not lower your sperm count significantly enough to be used as birth control.
- For the love of god and all that is holy, do not put hand sanitizer in your vagina. It will not prevent pregnancy but it will kill all the good bacteria that live inside of your vagina and keep you from having a yeast infection all the time.
- Pulling out is not an effective means of birth control. There is still sperm in precum. You can get pregnant before the big finish even happens folks.
Some Other Sex Myths
- You do not have to want a penis that is super big. The vagina is only on average 6 inches long. The rectum is at the biggest 8 inches. It does not have to hit the cervix or turn into an anal explorer to feel good. Also just as a side note shoe size is 100% not related to how big someone’s penis is going to be.
- Sex doesn’t have to end in an orgasm to feel good. It should feel good the whole time and you should enjoy the journey not just the big finish.
- Sex does not have to be a marathon. Lubrication will eventually wear off and chaffing is a bitch.
- There is no actual difference between a gold star lesbian or gay person and a regular lesbian or gay person. No one should care if someone has fooled around with a different set of genitalia. Also, the concept is transphobic as shit.
- A person’s gender has nothing to do with if they masturbate or if they watch porn. It is also completely unrelated to if they want to keep things casual or want a commitment or how interested in sex they are.